The Person Behind the Fog: Reclaiming Your Identity and "Sparkle" Through Perimenopause
- Lauren Chiren
- Jun 30
- 4 min read
We’ve all had that heavy feeling in the gut telling us something is completely off. For a lot of women, starting perimenopause feels less like a normal biological shift and more like losing your internal compass entirely. You are standing there, looking at a career you’ve successfully built over decades or a home you love, and suddenly you feel like an absolute stranger to your own capabilities.
This is the silent killer of workplace confidence. It’s that sudden tightness in your chest while you stare at a laptop screen, completely unable to process a task that used to take you seconds. It’s terrifying, it's incredibly lonely, and it leads straight to a specific, deep-seated fear. You start believing you aren't just tired or hormonal you genuinely think you're losing your mind.
If you’ve ever wondered if you’re facing early-onset dementia rather than a life transition, you aren't alone. I want you to know that the clarity you’ve lost isn’t gone forever; it’s just obscured. By stepping back and looking closer at the habits, the heart, and the reflection in the glass you can find the "you" that’s been hiding behind the fog.
The "Dementia" Trap: When Perimenopause Mimics a Mental Crisis
In Omagh, Northern Ireland, Brenda McCaskie spent 20 years in the banking industry. She was the person people went to for answers, a veteran who was "very confident" in her role. But when perimenopause hit, the cognitive erosion was so profound that simple tasks, like ordering a checkbook for a customer, became insurmountable hurdles. Working from a small home office she called a "bowl in the wall," the isolation and confusion peaked when she made a mistake at work she’d never made in two decades.
This gap between who we were and who we are becoming creates a psychological crisis. When Brenda’s doctor dismissed her concerns because her blood tests were "normal," she did what so many of us do in the dark: she looked for the most terrifying explanation possible.
"I genuinely thought I was losing my mind... I remember looking up on Dementia UK because I thought, 'Right, okay, I do know my family and I do remember to go out for a walk,' but what actually is going on with me?"
The Mirror Principle: Seeing the Person, Not Just the Symptoms
As a coach, Brenda noticed a heartbreaking trend: "You can see sadness in people's eyes even when they're smiling." We become experts at wearing the mask of "fine," but we stop looking at ourselves because we’re too busy trying to fix the "problem" of our symptoms.
Brenda’s "Mirror Exercise" is a radical act of self-respect. It isn't about checking your mascara; it’s about looking yourself directly in the eyes and acknowledging the person who is suffering. In her workshops, this exercise is often so emotional that women have to leave the room.
It is a powerful "aha moment" because it forces us to stop the frantic doing and start the compassionate being. When you finally see that lady in the mirror, you realize she doesn't need more "fixing" she needs to be seen, respected, and loved by the person staring back at her.
The Power of "Micro-Habits": Why You Don't Need a Life Overhaul
When you’re at rock bottom, the idea of a massive life overhaul, joining a gym, starting a restrictive diet, or mastering a new craft feels like a threat. It’s too much. Instead, Brenda advocates for "tiny bits" of change. These small wins provide the "hope" necessary to keep going.
One of the most human examples Brenda shares is her own struggle with tea. For a woman from Northern Ireland, a "wee cup of tea" is a staple, but Brenda realized the sugar she was adding was spiking her anxiety and crashing her energy. She didn't stop drinking tea; she simply transitioned to herbal.
Small steps to reclaim your clarity:
The "Sugar Swap": Transitioning from sugary drinks to herbal teas or water to stabilize the internal "tightness."
Hydration: Not drinking gallons, but simply increasing water intake to help the brain process information more clearly.
A Moment of Reflection: Taking five minutes to ask, "What worked today?" rather than focusing on the mistakes.
Reflection over Action: The Practitioner's "Aha Moment"
Even the experts get lost. Brenda realized during her own training that she was throwing herself into the "business" of coaching because it was easier than looking at her own transition. She was so focused on the professional output that she wasn't "actively listening" to her own needs.
The irony is that as women, we often try to work harder to outrun the fog. Brenda’s turning point came when she realized: "I need Brenda sitting opposite me as a coach." She had to stop the "action" and embrace the "reflection," realizing that this journey wasn't about her business it was about her self. Even high-achievers need to give themselves permission to be the student of their own well-being.
Consistency as a Community Anchor
Building confidence takes time, and healing happens best in "safe spaces." Brenda’s work with the charity Support Together in Northern Ireland is a testament to the power of showing up. When the group started, they committed to being there once a month for a year. In the beginning, only two people showed up.
But they stayed consistent. They stayed for 15 years, eventually winning awards for their impact. This consistency is vital because a woman might see a support group ten times before she feels "equipped" enough to walk through the door. Knowing the space is always there unchanging and non-judgmental is the anchor many need while they are drifting in the perimenopausal sea.
Conclusion: The Sparkle at the End of the Tunnel
Life after the peak of this transition isn’t just a return to your "old self." It’s something better. Brenda often references a Japanese proverb (the art of Kintsugi) about broken pottery: when a piece is broken and then put back together with gold, it is more beautiful for having been broken.
When the fog lifts, you find a "different life" waiting for you. It’s a version of you that stands differently, speaks differently, and, as one of Brenda's clients was told, actually "sparkles." You aren't losing your mind; you are being put back together in a way that is stronger and more brilliant than before.
When was the last time you looked in the mirror and truly saw the person looking back? What is one "micro-change" you could make today to begin reclaiming your clarity?
